Bad Day Then A Good One

Yesterday was an extremely hard day.  I had an appointment that was originally supposed to be the day we got to hear our sweet baby's heart beat.  Instead, I had to go in to make sure that everything had "passed."  On the way there, I kept thinking how it took 14 months for us to get pregnant and after 12 short weeks it was over.  It was awful from the second we walked into the reception area.  The first thing I saw was a woman sitting there with a big pregnant belly.  I had to make myself not look at her.  More than anything, I didn't want to sit there crying.  When I was pregnant with Lauryn, it would have broken my heart to see another woman crying because she'd lost a baby.  So as hard as it was, I made myself keep it together.  Then another woman walked in with a big belly and I found myself tearing up again.  A minute later, I heard the receptionist say, "Congratulations!" to a couple as they were on their way out.  The woman was carrying a white bag that they give you, filled with information about your pregnancy...just like the one they'd given me when I first went in on June 23rd.  Finally, they called my name to go back into the office.  The nurse was trying to comfort me, which was really sweet, but the last thing I wanted.  You know how when you're trying not to cry and someone keeps talking about how it'll be okay and blah, blah, blah and it only makes not crying that much harder?  That's how it went.  I appreciated her kind words and her sympathy but I really just wanted her to stop talking because it wasn't helping.  When the doctor came in, she started doing the same thing but I think she saw that that wasn't what I needed and she stopped right away.  She was still very sweet and kind but didn't try to comfort and console me.  I was very thankful for that!  She did an ultrasound to make sure everything was good and I was happy to hear that there shouldn't be any issues in trying to conceive again in the future. 

When I got home, my mom told me that I'd had a special visitor who purposely waited until I was gone to come over and bring us dinner.  It was my best friend and I thought that was so sweet of her!  She knows I wasn't ready for visitors or talking about everything yet so she waiting until she knew I'd be gone and dropped off the dinner.  She knew I wouldn't want to deal with dinner after such a difficult appointment.  I love her for being so sweet and thoughtful and understanding.

Today was a much better day.  In the morning, I found myself dwelling on everything and feeling pretty bad about it.  I decided that I wasn't going to do that today.  I got Lauryn and myself ready and we ran a couple of errands, picked up some lunch and I talked to a couple of friends today.  I also decided that I had to stop avoiding talking about this.  That if I'm going to start healing, I need to start dealing with it.  Even if I cry, which I REALLY hate doing around other people.  It actually felt good to talk about it and get it out.  My mom came over for a visit and dinner and it felt really good to have a day that was pretty normal.